Reflection
by Laughing Dragoness
Summary: Sweet oneshot in which Bella is finally changed.


Reflection

_I can't believe it_, I thought to myself, biting my lower lip. _I can't believe it's really happening._

Edward's hand was cold in mine as he led me into the strange living room. I was aware that he watched my face intently as he did so, and I knew he was anxious that I should be happy in our new home. What he had yet again failed to realize was that I would be happy anywhere as long as he was there, my Edward, the light of my life and the love of my heart. Indeed, I loved the great old manor more than I had anticipated, though there were some things to get used to. I said that his hand was cold; in fact, everything was cold. We _were_ in Alaska, after all.

Edward concluded the tour by seating himself on the red leather sofa and pulling me down by the hand into his lap. I felt his tawny eyes still fixed upon my face, those marble features showing no emotion. I sighed in contentment and leaned against his chest, closing my eyes and listening to his breathing as he wrapped his arms around me. We sat like this for some minutes, until Edward slipped a slim white finger beneath my chin and tilted my face upward until I was looking at his. He seemed at once eager and nervous.

"Bella, you have not said one word, and I'm certain that soon I will go mad. Do you like it? Can you be happy here?"

I smiled at his anxiety. "It's perfect, Edward. No girl could ask for more." I brushed my lips lightly against his to drive home my point.

Edward, however, pulled away, his lovely eyes wide in astonishment. "You are not going to berate me on how it is too much?" His surprise took on a more thoughtful character. "I find this new agreeableness in regards to receiving gifts both pleasant and mildly frightening."

I had to laugh then. "This is different!"

Edward arched one perfect eyebrow. "And how, may I ask, is this at all different?"

I situated myself so that I was no longer reclining against him and ticked off the points with my fingers. "First of all, it was not like you _bought_ the house for me… it already belonged to your family. Second, it's not like the two of us will be the only ones here, so it will not seem quite so large. And third… well, I can't find it in my heart to be unhappy about anything now."

Edward pulled me back to him and gently kissed the top of my head. I shivered happily, and he drew my left hand to his lips and kissed that, too. The gold wedding band that encircled the fourth finger, next to the diamond engagement ring on the third, reflected the lamplight. A part of me still couldn't believe it… I was Mrs. Edward Cullen, and the happiest girl alive.

Edward smiled and asked me what I was thinking about. Though his tone was light, even amused, I could hear the slight tremor of frustration. I was the only one to whom he had to put that particular question.

"I was thinking about us, about how wonderful I feel."

That seemed to surprise Edward, too. "I would have though you would be thinking about tonight."

I had been waiting for him to mention that. I sighed and his arms tightened around me protectively.

"Are you afraid?" he asked, gently.

I thought a moment before I answered. Was I afraid? Most people would be…

"No," I said finally, and I found that I really meant it. "You'll be there. You haven't changed your mind?"

"You kept your end of the bargain," he responded, running his finger around my ring. "I'll keep mine."

I let out the breath that I hadn't known I was holding. "Thank you."

He hugged me close for a moment before lifting me off of him and onto the sofa, where he proceeded to kiss me until I was dizzy from lack of air. When I got my breath back, I asked where he was going.

"Hunting," he answered. He stroked my cheek. "We're not going far, and Esme will be here if you need her." And with one final kiss he was gone.

It was a full minute later that I finally sat up. Without Edward, I was beginning to feel a little bit apprehensive, and I knew it would only get worse as the evening wore on; I had to find something to do. After some thought I walked upstairs and rummaged through some of the unpacked boxes out in the hallway until I found what I was looking for—a brand-new leather-bound copy of _Wuthering Heights_, a gift from Edward to replace the one that had finally fallen apart. I settled myself on the sofa to read, reveling in the calm. I had made it to chapter three when Esme came downstairs, a book under her own arm.

"Do you mind if I join you?" she asked with a maternal smile. I shook my head, glad for the company. I was sure that was why she was there—I knew that Esme usually preferred to read alone. Her comforting presence put me immediately at ease, and as the evening drew on I began to nod off. I fought it, for I wanted to be awake when Edward returned, but before I knew it I had fallen into a dreamless sleep.

Some hours later, I was roused by cold fingers stroking my brow and a soft voice speaking in my ear. Even half-asleep as I was, I would know that voice, that touch, anywhere. I halfway opened my eyes.

"Edward," I murmured groggily. "I'm glad you're home."

He smiled his beautiful crooked smile down at me. "It's time, my love."

I was too sleepy to understand his meaning at first, and my eyes drifted closed again. I felt myself being lifted from the sofa into Edward's marble arms, and I settled myself against his chest as he carried me from the room and up the long stone staircase. He kissed me as he walked: my forehead, my hair, my eyes… Slowly I began to wake up, and I opened my eyes all the way.

"Welcome back, sleeping beauty," said Edward, his honey eyes sparkling. Then he carefully set me on my feet and I, now fully awake, took a deep breath. This was it, the night I had been waiting for, the one that ensured that Edward and I would be together for all eternity. We were outside our bedroom, where my transformation would take place. I started to walk through the door, but I hesitated.

"What is it?" asked Edward from behind me.

I wasn't entirely sure. I was ready. I _had_ to be ready! But I was about to walk into a room and willingly relinquish my humanity, and it wasn't something I was doing lightly. I reached out my hand to Edward, who took it firmly in his own. His presence gave me strength, and we entered the room together, side by side. It was almost an exact replica of Edward's back in Forks, except for the color; the curtains, carpet, and bedspread were ivory instead of gold, and the leather loveseat was chocolate brown rather than black. Edward had offered to make any changes that I suggested, but so far I had not thought of anything that would improve the décor at all.

We were alone, so I took a moment to change into my pajamas, which were just as ratty and tattered as I usually wore. This was going to be painful enough, and I wasn't going to add to the discomfort. Edward remained with me, sensing I'm sure that I wouldn't want to be left alone. He sat on the couch and thoughtfully stared at his hands until I joined him. He gently stroked my hair and I breathed in his scent, not thinking about what was coming, just being close to him.

It was not long before the door opened again, admitting Carlisle, Esme, and Alice. Rosalie, who opposed my decision to become a vampire, did not likely wish to be present and Emmett, her true love and soul mate, would be with her this night. I was glad that Alice was there, though. She danced gracefully to my side and kissed my forehead.

"You're ready," she said, assuring me. I couldn't help but believe her, especially when I knew in my heart that she was right. This was what I wanted. All the same, I leaned against Edward, who put his arms around me as he spoke.

"Is there anything we can do about the pain, Carlisle?" he asked, his hand on my hair again.

Carlisle leaned against the wall. The look of unease seemed wrong with his movie star features.

"No," he answered. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but he tried to hide it. "The venom decreases the effectiveness of any drug I could use. If I used enough morphine to make any difference, it would kill her within minutes."

Edward sighed. "So that's it, then?"

"I do think Bella should know the details of the process," Carlisle responded. He turned his eyes to me. "I know that Alice told you the basics some time ago, but I feel it's best if you're fully informed."

I sat up straighter, still in the circle of Edward's arms, and listened closely to Carlisle's explanation.

"The transformation may take anywhere from one to three days, depending on how much venom is injected and where," he began in his reassuring doctor's voice. "And that depends on how long Edward can maintain control. It will be, as you know, extremely painful…" He paused for a moment. "We will help you in any way that we can."

I gulped, but nodded, determined to suppress my apprehension. I had known about the pain from the beginning.

"Now, it is, of course, your own choice as to where Edward will inject the venom," Carlisle continued. "The closer to the heart he bites, the faster the transformation will be. The shoulder is closest, but there is a lot more muscle to penetrate. The neck is probably the best option, all things considered. But as I said, the choice is yours." He suddenly smiled, but to me it seemed a little grim. "You already know that a bite anywhere will do."

I knew he was referring to the bite that I had received from James, the vampire who had tried to kill me and almost succeeded. It seemed so long ago now. I swallowed again, took a deep breath, and made sure that I was completely composed before I responded.

"The neck, I think," I said. Steady. That was good. No volume, though.

Edward wasn't fooled, and his arms tightened around me. Alice took my hand and squeezed it.

Carlisle's smile became reassuring, and it made his face radiant. "Of course. Well, if you have no questions, I suppose we can begin when you're ready, Bella."

I nodded, no longer trusting myself to speak.

"Then we'll start," said Edward. The words were almost a whisper, but he didn't hesitate to lift me in his arms and carry me to the bed. I lay perfectly still, staring up into my husband's eyes as he put his face very close to mine.

"Bella, are you certain this is what you want?" he asked, his voice uneven and somehow urgent. I knew that if I said yes, he would do it without further question.

"Yes," I whispered, dizzy from his sweet breath and his beauty. "You'll stay with me?"

"Of course, Bella," he answered, kissing me tenderly. "I'll be right here."

"Thank you."

Edward laughed quietly and smiled my favorite smile. "I love you, Bella."

I smiled back. "I love you, too."

He kissed me again, his mouth at first soft and light, then growing more passionate. I responded, forgetting that anyone was present except the two of us. I breathed heavily, at times forgot to breath entirely. He began at my lips, but soon moved along my jaw line to a place right underneath my ear. Slowly, he traveled down to my throat, where I could feel my blood throbbing. It wouldn't be much longer.

Abruptly, his teeth were there, poised over my jugular. I felt him shudder, hesitate. I found my voice.

"It's okay, Edward," I gasped. "Don't be afraid. I trust you."

I heard him groan, but then I felt the sting of his teeth piercing my throat. It was at once nothing like being bitten by James and exactly like it. I smelled my blood, and it almost made my stomach heave.

The burning began at the point of the bite, spreading rapidly out from there. For the moment it was bearable, but I knew from experience that it would soon become much, much worse.

Edward pulled away suddenly, his mouth stained crimson and every muscle taunt. "That's all I can do," he said in a strained voice, turning away to gain composure but unwilling to leave me completely.

That was all I saw. The pain had been growing exponentially in these few seconds, and I screamed now, a piercing scream that felt like it had been ripped out of my throat and left it raw. I heard Carlisle, faint and far away, saying something that didn't make any sense at the time—I found out later that he was shouting for a towel. I was bleeding badly from the wound in my neck, though I could not feel it, and it needed to be bound before I bled to death.

I was told all of this some time afterward. The whole world for me in that moment was the pain. It obliterated everything as it spread to every part of my body. I writhed, shrieking for it to stop, for someone to kill me so that the pain would go away. I forgot all about what I had wanted before—I forgot that there _was_ a before.

For a while I remained in this state, trying to scream long after the strain had reduced my voice to a whisper, flailing wildly in an attempt to escape my personal hell.

After an immeasurable time, I found that I could hear someone speaking very close to me. The pain hadn't lessened to any degree as far as I could tell, but it was no longer the entire universe. I struggled to hear the words, clung to that voice like a lifeline. I made room in my fevered brain for the meaning to come through.

They weren't words, really. It was a melody—someone was humming. It was my lullaby. I opened my eyes, which must have been wide and frantic, and searched for the face that I knew must be nearby. He was there; his angel's face was contorted with the same agony that I knew was in my own. His eyes were closed, and he gripped my hands in his own. I couldn't feel them through the pain.

"Edward…" I whispered, wishing feverishly that my voice were stronger. He wouldn't hear me…

He heard. His golden eyes, full of concern, locked immediately on mine. The pain eased fractionally.

"Bella," he breathed. It almost sounded like a sob. "I'm right here, Bella."

"It hurts," I whimpered. My body, racked with the excruciating pain, gave a compulsive shudder.

"I know, love," he answered. "It'll be over soon."

My body had begun shaking uncontrollably, and if I had tried to speak I would have bitten my own tongue. I groaned deeply and clenched my teeth, contracting all of my muscles in a vain attempt to gain control.

Edward's face moved out of my field of vision, and I experienced a moment of panic. A minute later, I felt myself being turned over and Edward was there, lying on the bed beside me. Slowly, he began rubbing my tense arms, trying to make them relax, all the while humming my lullaby.

For a while I think I slept, if you could call it sleep—it offered no escape. Mostly I just slipped in and out of awareness. Sometimes I knew Edward, sometimes I did not. Occasionally Esme or Carlisle would be there, and Alice more often, though I'm still not entirely sure what was real and what was a creation of my tortured dreaming.

The next time I was lucid, the pain was noticeably less, though still far worse than I had ever experienced. I still shook from time to time, but I was aware of what was going on around me. I was able to feel Edward holding me close to his body. I heard him speaking, but it took me a bit to understand what he was saying and realize that his words were not directed at me.

"I'm not sure how much more she can take, Carlisle," I heard him say, his voice faint and slow in my ears.

"It shouldn't be much longer now," Carlisle answered. "The worst is over."

"She shakes so violently…" The worry was evident in Edward's musical voice. "There was an hour where I wasn't sure she would…" His shuddering breath struck a cord in my heart. "I remember it being excruciating, but not this bad."

I heard Carlisle sigh. "No, never like this. The volume of venom you injected seems to have sped up the process considerably, but her body was almost unable to tolerate it."

Edward stifled a sob. "I didn't know—"

"None of us knew. Even Alice couldn't see the outcome until it was done."

I wrenched open my eyes. The pain, though still intense, was definitely bearable now. I was able to think, to get my breath and my bearings. I realized that my clothes were soaked, probably with sweat, and my shoulder sticky with I could only assume to be my blood. Somehow, that didn't bother me as much as it should have. My hair clung wetly to my forehead.

Slowly, I tried to uncurl from my tight ball, but my muscles protesting with a fresh wave of agony and a particularly violent tremor. I felt Edward reach up from behind me to stroke my damp forehead, humming soothingly into my ear. His other arm pulled me closer, as though he could protect me from the pain. I wished I could move, so that I could comfort him; I knew I wasn't the only one in pain. But I was facing away from him, and he couldn't see my open eyes.

Another spasm ripped through my body, and I couldn't stifle a deep, weary groan. Suddenly, Carlisle's face was inches from my own, peering into my eyes.

"Bella? Can you hear me?" he said, and I felt Edward tense against my back.

I struggled to control my tongue, which felt thick and heavy in my mouth. After a long minute, I managed to choke out a "yes."

Edward was there in an instant, cupping my face in his hands. His eyes were frantic with worry, holding my gaze like the sun holds a planet in orbit.

"Bella," said Carlisle, "I need you to relax for me. Can you do that?"

"Can't move…" I responded. My words sounded strangled and faint.

"We'll take it slow," Carlisle answered, gentle but firm. "Just your hand, first."

I concentrated on my right fist, willing it to unclench. My arm trembled with the effort. Then Edward took my hand it in his own, stroking my fingers, gently massaging the bulging muscles. It was a while before a realized that I wasn't the only one shaking.

"Edward?" I whispered, wondering what would cause him to be so upset.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he answered, his voice as soft and broken as mine.

"Don't be," I said. "I'm not." My hand opened in his.

"That's good, Bella," murmured Carlisle, but I barely heard him. Edward took my other hand and rubbed it as he had the other, and it wasn't long before my whole body went limp. The extreme exhaustion that followed, while still paralyzing me, was a welcome relief from the horrible tension. My conscious mind was telling me to close my eyes and fall into the deep sleep that I should have needed, but a growing part of me was aware that I would never sleep again—the same part of me that realized that I could no longer feel my heart beating in my chest, or the blood coursing through my veins. Despite the inevitable sense of loss, I smiled triumphantly. In my mind, the gain far outweighed the cost.

Edward and I were alone again. As I gazed on the face of my husband, I felt a stab of horror that I could have been so consumed by pain, no matter how great, that I would have mistaken that face that I loved most in the world with those that I most feared. He smiled at me, trying to cover the anxiety that still clouded his eyes.

"Let's get you out of these wet clothes," he said, his tone too light. His hands were gentle as he pulled off my sweat-soaked pajamas and replaced them with a blue silk bathrobe. I tried to help, but my weakness prevented me from doing anything useful. So I was just lying there, with Edward manipulating my arms through the sleeves of the robe, when a thought suddenly entered my mind. It made me laugh very softly to myself, and Edward looked at me curiously.

"What is it?" he asked me, tying the belt around my waist.

"I just thought…" I started, unsure of how to phrase the question. "I thought I was going to be strong. Stronger than Emmett, you said. But I can barely move!" The more I thought about it, the funnier it seemed.

Edward did not look amused as he seated himself next to me on the bed.

"The transformation was very… hard," he began. "You didn't handle it as well as we'd hoped."

Before I had a chance to respond, the door to the bedroom open and Alice practically flew to the bed. I was sharply aware that if she had hugged me like this _before_, I would have been crushed. I was pleasantly surprised with what little effort I was able to return the embrace. She pulled back, a happy smile on her face, and I pulled myself into a sitting position. Behind Alice, Edward and Carlisle had their heads together, speaking very softly and rapidly so that even with my improved hearing I was unable to catch their words. As Alice turned her head toward Edward, grinning, relief began to slowly make its way across his face in response to whatever he had heard in her thoughts.

As I lay there, gaining strength with each passing minute, I began to be aware of a new sensation deep in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't unpleasant, exactly, but it was persistent. I refrained from pondering what I suspected it might be and instead focused on Edward's face. He must have sensed my gaze, because he turned his head almost immediately to meet it. Alice noticed and squeezed my hand tightly before she and Carlisle both left the room swiftly and silently, leaving Edward and me alone.

I carefully studied Edward's movements as he approached me. I was aware that he traveled as quickly as he always had, but he was no longer a blur to my eyes. He smiled down at me, not reading my thoughts as he could others' but very likely seeing them on my face. His crooked grin, I noticed vaguely, still had a similar effect on me as it had always had, but the beauty of his features did not dazzle me. Well, not as much. Edward patiently watched me sort out the individual effects of the attraction of the prey to the perfect predator and those of pure love. When I was finished I smiled back and surprised him by jumping agilely from the bed, feeling the new strength of my body. He took me in his arms and held me tighter than he had ever dared; for the first time, I was able to return the embrace with equal power.

The full force of it came upon me suddenly, without warning. All thought was swept away, my mind completely blank. There was only the _need_, a deep predatory desire that twisted in my parched throat like a live snake. I smelled the air like a wild animal, searching, and I writhed in Edward's arms. If I had been as strong right then as I would soon be, nothing would have stopped me from tearing from the house in a ravenous hunt for human blood. As it was, Edward was more than a match for me at that particular moment and his arms tightened around me like a vice. He spoke to me soothingly as I struggled. At first I screamed, alternately demanding and begging him to let me go, but my shrieks only brought the entire household running to Edward's aid. I had no chance against all seven of them and at last I calmed down, no less thirsty but aware that escape was, for the moment, impossible. One by one everyone left as Edward reassured them, and at last we were alone again.

I trembled and moaned in Edward's grasp, my lips dry and tingling with want. He stroked my hair and whispered softly into my ear.

"I know, love," he crooned, clutching me close. "It'll pass, I promise. I know…"

And miraculously, it did. Somehow, with Edward's help, I was able to regain some semblance of control over myself. I would still have pounced on any human being who happened to wander into the house, but here in the middle of the frozen tundra I could pull myself together. As the red haze of bloodlust lifted from my vision, I suddenly caught sight of a small mirror hanging on the closet door and I froze in shock.

I wouldn't have known the figure staring out the glass at me except that the other figure was definitely Edward. My skin was too white, my features enhanced almost beyond recognition. And the eyes… red eyes glared back at me, the eyes of a monster.

Edward felt me stiffen and found what I was gazing at. His expression was compassionate. I looked until I could bear it no more and buried my face into Edward's chest. In that moment I made a vow. I _would not_ be that monster in the mirror. I would not let my new family down. I would not hurt Edward that way.

For the first time since the whole ordeal began, I was truly at peace.


End file.
